There's a lot to wonder about here. Not in Chicago, but here in the world. Although, I suppose, to speak most generally, there are only a few things to worry about. Let's say three:
1. What has happened
2. What could have happened
3. What could happen
So, I guess I was wrong. There isn't much to wonder about here. There are three things to wonder about. When I'm finished with this post, I can look at it and think about three things: what I wrote, what I could have written, and what I could now write having already written this.
I imagine that most of what I write here, will be of this airy, rambling type tone. But hopefully, some substance will lie somewhere within it. There will be many thoughts. When I'm finished with one, I will simply press enter twice and start another one. If I want to come back to it later, I will just press enter twice and start again.
I'm not sure which of the three I spend most of my time thinking about. They are all have their aura of wonder to them. But I would say that #2 carries me furthest. Even when I'm thinking about what has happened for what could happen, it is likely, if not within, then tangentially related to the context of what could have happened. I can't blame myself for being so preoccupied with this member of the trinity. I have to think about what could have happened, because when it comes to what could have happened, all we have left is thinking about it. What has happened, may be over, but at least we can make legitimate movements from it, because they are founded. What could happen gives us everything we ever wanted: control. But what could have happened is only itself. There is nothing to come of it. Sure, it could inspire some of what could happen, but it will never live to be what it is, or was supposed to be.
To take this thought in the most downtrodden way possible, every second of every day is another second of what could happen turning into what could have happened. That second could have been spent another and wasn't. This is true, but not necessarily meaningful. Only some of those seconds are meaningful. Those are the ones that I find myself thinking about. This past second, I could have been sleeping, or phoning someone, or thinking about something else, or doing something else, but it really is no matter. They'll be many other seconds just like it. However, there are times in life (I have not lived long enough to be able to categorize these times as some or many or often or the like) where those seconds matter a lot. Anything important I have ever done has resulted in a declarative not doing of an infinite collection of other things. That's what makes what has happened so meaningful, really. No that we will never do anything meaningful in our lives. I truly believe that I have done and will do meaningful things. I don't know exactly what they are, but they are there. However the most meaningful part of doing anything is that it cannot be undone. Therefore it cannot be replaced by any of the things that could have been done.
When I finish this post, I have the option to go back and edit it. Life is begging for an edit button, perhaps. I could not make use out of a mulligan, but I could definitely work with an edit button. I think I would possibly change how I approached and where I went to college if I had an edit button. But perhaps I actually don't want do do such a thing after having seen the consequences. So I would need to be able to change it back. It's very difficult, because only ONE thing ever happens at every second in our lives. But if you were to replace one of those seconds with a what could have happened, it has the potential to change every subsequent second. It's the issue with time travel that Back 2 the Future just touched on. I believe there was an essay in a Chuck Klosterman book (something about a dinosaur) that I read that talked about time travel and movies. Within it was a recommendation for a movie that handled this particular issue rather admirably. I'll have to look into that.
This weekend I filed something away in the what could have happened drawer. It was something potentially meaningful, not just some other second. I never know how to feel about doing that. I guess, in reality, I filed it in that drawer before it even was anything. But there's a difference between potential and actual, as anyone knows. It is a troubling thing, to use that drawer, even though we use it all the time. In all honesty, if I had to guess of the potential of this thing, I would not have bet on its being eternally meaningful to my life, other than it being filed away in the what happened drawer at some point. However, it's already achieved that feat, so there really is no difference. This bout of honesty is not comforting me, though.
I'm trying to decide if I should abandon speaking in generalities about things. Part of me is thinking that I have no interest, currently, in opening this discourse to my noted public. However, I am blogging it, so perhaps somewhere inside me, that interest exists. If I were to open this to that public, the only people that would give a hoot to waste their time reading it, would probably be people who may end up mentioned in it. Knowing this, I am apprehensive to be less general. However, on the other hand, I have a feeling that anyone who would read this, would know enough about the goings on in my life to be able to see the specifics within these generalities anyway.
But I shall tackle that another day
I will also tackle coming up with a clever sign off line.
